beeing a star

It’s 2am on Friday 19th February 2021 & I can’t sleep. I’m thinking about someone. A young woman I never actually met, but who has been on my mind a lot over the last few months. Her name is Chelsea Blair – Does that sound familiar to you? Perhaps if you live in Leeds then yes. A year ago, today, at 5am, Chelsea was found by two people passing by a bus shelter in Seacroft, Leeds. She was unconscious & alone. Although they attempted to perform CPR & she was rushed to hospital, Chelsea sadly passed away. She was just 19 years old. The newspaper reports stated the tragic death of a young women & the reason for death was unconfirmed. The reason for her death turned out to be suicide. Chelsea had taken her own life. It led me to think about whether Chelsea actually wanted to die? I can’t say this any simpler, I have been there. I have had those thoughts. I understand how much pain she must have been in, but I don’t believe anyone ultimately wants to die. They just don’t want to live with the pain anymore. They don’t want to hurt anymore. They don’t want to try anymore. They’ve run out of energy. They’ve run out of hope. Because they are exhausted. They are physically and mentally exhausted with trying to stay alive for their family & friends. Physical pain is tangible we can often see it. Mental pain is invisible to the human eye. Unless an individual reaches out & explains to someone in black & white what is going on inside their head, no-one actually knows. You can’t see suicidal thoughts. You can’t see despair, self-loathing, loss of hope for the future, loss of hope for any sort of “normal” life. What does normal even mean anyway? Suicide is not a cry for help, it’s a desperate finality that can never be undone. I feel it’s worth pointing out that on the 18th February 2020, one day before she passed away, Chelsea posted a message on Facebook, telling her friends: “Fix each other’s crowns ladies - don’t knock them off. With all the negativity out there, let’s do something positive” She was looking to her future. She had hopes, dreams & ambitions just like everyone else. Only 2 months earlier, on New Year’s Eve, heading into 2020 Chelsea posted about how tough the year had been for her. That she wanted 2020 to be different. She said this “I want a brighter future not the bleak one I would have if I keep doing what I’m doing. This year I’ve had approximately 40 admissions to St. James’ Hospital, been on dialysis 7 times, ICU 5 times and almost given myself kidney failure. I cannot keep doing this - I want a future. I want to go on holidays and spend time with the people that are important to me. Tomorrow is the start of a new way of thinking and I’m going to try my best to change these dangerous behaviours. I just want to thank my family and friends for pushing me and giving me support when I needed it the most and I’m really sorry for putting you all through it. Let’s make 2020 an amazing year and make memories to remember. Hope everyone has a good new year and don’t put too much stress on everything to be perfect because recovery and life isn’t linear. Keep going and always ask for help when you need it. You are worth feeling better. Love you all xx” These to me are the words of someone who had hope not despair. And just re-read those statistics again. They total 52. That’s one a week. Once a week every single week of an entire year, a young woman was so poorly that she was admitted to hospital. We need to take a minute to think about that. Children are our future. We need them to be strong & well. Mentally as well as Physically. In my opinion, Chelsea was failed, by the system designed to protect her. A few weeks later, after hearing this tragic news, I spoke to Xanna. An ex-colleague of mine. I was really struggling with my own mental health at the time & Xanna had always been a great ear & support to me during our time working together, which was when I was pregnant with the Wee Wilding. I was having some time off work with my depression. Drowning in my usual pit of darkness & despair & losing hope by the day. I asked after Xanna’s daughter G – who was 16 at the time. She was also struggling. Unbeknown to me, Chelsea had been one of G’s closest friends. This put a lot of things into some sort of murky, hazy, dark perspective for me. I’d never met this young woman, but felt drawn to her as if I had. I knew how close I was, how close I still am, to my best girlfriends when I was a teenager & I couldn’t shake constant thoughts of how G must be feeling after losing her. It was G’s birthday only the day previously & she had been to visit Chelsea who was in hospital. They had been chatting about their plans to go backpacking & see the world. They had been sharing their hopes & dreams. One day later, after leaving hospital unsupervised & unnoticed, Chelsea was gone. A life, a future of hopes, dreams & possibilities. Extinguished. Evaporated. G & I have been thinking about how we can make a difference, however small - to the lives of young people who are suffering in silence with their mental wellbeing. We’ll get back to you as soon as we can. In the mean-time “Shine Bright Chelsea - you are a star” xx